Life After Benzos
Getting off clonazepam has had effects I could never have imagined. I had no idea how much the drug altered almost everything. Things like my sense of smell, hearing, memory, even my personality. Now that I’m off of the drug I’ve noticed my sense of smell has returned, I can hear things I used to couldn’t, and I’m feeling like a new person (or perhaps just returning to the person I was before over 20 years of benzo use). My memory of some things both before and during clonazepam is still shot though. My sleep is still hit or miss but lately seems to be getting better, which is a huge relief. But it’s the way the drug altered my personality during use that really gets to me. I had a lot of anger before the drug but during use it was really off the charts. It makes me very sad at times to realize how much of my life has been spent in anger. It’s kind of heartbreaking to just now realize how good life can be when you let go of anger and long-held grudges. I wish I had realized this so much sooner.
Not everything was my fault (like being put on clonazepam), but I’m realizing more and more that most of the things I used to blame others for was indeed my fault. I often find myself shaking my head while remembering things I did, so upset with myself that I could be that stupid. Things stupid enough that I was put in jail. I had so much anger. Going to jail only made me angrier. I was completely out of control and I realize that now. I look back at all that and just shake my head, so much of my life wasted in anger. I was so angry I even held grudges over things that happened in grade school. I had so much hatred in my heart.
Now, however, I want to help people. I also want to give back, to try to repay the kindness of people who have helped me. Not just the people who have helped me or been kind to me, but people I don’t even know. People who are suffering withdrawals or some other hardship. I know how bad addiction is and I know how hard withdrawals are. I want to help if I possibly can. I have a lot of compassion for people going through this. Personally, I think benzos should stop being produced, there has to be a better way to treat people who actually need something like benzos. They are already a controlled substance but that doesn’t stop them from being all over the streets. Even people who have a prescription and take them exactly as prescribed become addicted and physically dependent. That’s the nature of the drug. I know, many prescription drugs are addictive and ruin many, many lives. But benzos are unique among prescription drugs in that they can actually kill a person if stopped cold-turkey. They are like alcohol in that aspect. Alcohol and benzos are the only two substances know to do that to people (kill during withdrawal).
Stay safe, people, and be kind to yourself and others. Thanks for reading!