Benzo Taper and Withdrawals 12
I haven’t posted anything for a while because withdrawals have become worse. Withdrawal induced insomnia made everything worse. On top of that, I was sick for a few days. It all came together into a “perfect storm” type situation which caused a seizure. Benzo withdrawals are no joke, folks. I have been questioning a lot recently whether my decision to get off benzos after over 20 years use was a huge mistake or not. I rarely have peaceful days anymore and I can’t remember the last time I got a really quality night’s sleep. When I do fall asleep, I wake up because my chest and abdominal muscles are so tight and rigid that it interferes with breathing. I have broken more teeth because of bruxism. This is a living hell.
I keep telling myself that it’s got to get better at some point, but so far that just isn’t happening. I try to stay positive, especially when talking to family over the phone, but this is taking a heavy toll on me mentally and physically. I often wonder how much longer I can keep this up because it’s definitely not sustainable health-wise. On one hand, I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, especially after being told multiple times that it was impossible. On the other hand, I often wonder if it is impossible. I’m in a very vulnerable situation because I don’t know if I can keep this up, but I also can’t reinstate clonazepam because that would also be dangerous and could potentially mess me up even worse than I already am.
I can’t remember the last time I felt good. I know it was before I got to the very low doses and definitely before jumping off. I keep thinking that a day will come when I actually feel at least decent, but so far that day hasn’t come. I realize that this has not been a very encouraging post, but I promised at the beginning of this thing that I would be honest. This is honesty, I feel horrible, I rarely sleep, I’m in very poor physical condition because I haven’t felt like working out for over a month. All I can manage to do is walk on a treadmill and I can’t even manage that on some days. I’m physically and mentally exhausted.
Thanks for reading!