Benzo Tapering and Withdrawals 3
Continuing from the last post, I want to write about what I am experiencing day to day. I already listed some of the symptoms, but now I’m going day to day. Some days I feel a lot of hope. I even start to feel human again, or at least near human. I can have 2 or 3 of these days in a row, but all it takes to shatter that is some unpleasant news, or feeling unwell after being in a crowd because I find myself worrying about all the different illness going around right now, or anything upsetting. Speaking of crowds, I can’t tolerate them anymore. I become extremely agitated and even combative. It’s astonishing how easily the good days streak can be shattered by what “normal” people would call minor annoyances. I say “normal people” in the sense of people not going through withdrawals.
I don’t know why but I’ve noticed that health anxiety has become a real problem since I’ve hit this very low dose during my taper. I’m almost constantly worried about health matters, whether actively worrying or it just nagging at me somewhere in the back of my mind. As an example, my wife has something as I type this post. Some sort of virus. I’m pretty sure it’s not flu because it didn’t hit like a train like the flu does. But I worry “what if it’s covid”, because her symptoms are pretty similar to what I know of the current dominant variants going around right now. So of course I’m concerned about her but I also find myself worried about myself because I am in the “high risk” groups as I have diabetes. I know it’s pretty normal for someone to be concerned about getting covid, but my concern seems to border on obsession. A lot of “what ifs” running through my mind all the time.
I also find myself running through a lot of what-ifs any time I feel an odd sensation or random pain anywhere in my body. If I have a pain in my lower right abdomen I immediately worry about having appendicitis for example. I used to not have this sort of thing before benzodiazepines and tapering off them. But now it’s intense. It’s even worse if I don’t sleep well, and unfortunately that’s a lot here lately and sleep problems are common when tapering off benzos. I often wonder if I’ll always be like this, if this will be my new normal. I really hope not. Before benzodiazepines I could have injuries from my work on power lines that would absolutely freak me out now but were just an annoyance before. When I would get sick before benzodiazepines I would just deal with it, but after benzodiazepines and during taper even the thought of getting sick terrifies me.
Another weird thing I’ve noticed during my taper is my sense of smell has dramatically increased. I have no idea why this happened. My wife used to smell things I couldn’t smell and she would always be surprised I couldn’t smell it. Now, however, I can smell things even before she does. That tells me that benzos and tapering off them has definitely changed my brain and messed with my senses. I know this sounds wild and I’d really be interested to know if others have noticed anything similar.
I’ve also noticed that, despite the hyper-vigilance, I’ve become more compassionate towards almost everyone and everything. I have more sympathy than I ever have before. Also, there a periods when I am very emotionally compromised. A song or movie can make me cry, something I’m very unaccustomed to and always catches me by surprise. I really don’t like that but there’s nothing I can do to control it, at least not right now. I know it’s an effect of withdrawals and detoxing, but I worry it too might be my new normal.
Please feel free to leave feedback or questions. Let me know if you have experienced similar things.
Thanks for reading!