Rage
Trauma can make you an extremely angry and dangerously mean person. Mean enough to get you incarcerated. That’s what happened to me. Incidences (you can guess) involving a male family member when I was very young changed me forever. When something like that happens to one so young it not only harms the body, it does something to the brain as well. It robs you of your childhood. It robs you of the ability to trust. Often, later on, it evolves into rage. I was hell on wheels for a long time. By the time I was 15 I got involved with some very dangerous people. I dropped out of school and spent my time hanging around with them. I learned a lot of the wrong things from them. Although they were all bad people and several years older than I was they had this sort of “code”, I guess you could call it their code of honor. Some of it I still very much agree with to this day, things like you never hurt women or children. But the other stuff was crazy. Things like when they were teaching me, “If you’re gonna fight a [insert ethnicity, I refuse to say it] you’d better kill them because they’re gonna try to kill you”. That kind of crazy stuff. I should have ran as fast as I could then but they weren’t exactly the kind of people you just walk away from. I ended up spending three years around them, only getting away when they all ended up either dead or in prison.
Even after I became free of them, I was still on a path of self-destruction. Alcohol, drugs, and general mayhem were my way of life. I was angry as hell at the entire world and carried a lot of pain and fear inside. I met a man from Korea who was teaching a Korean martial art, and that man took me in and helped me to get my life on a right track. He had rules. No alcohol or drugs and no getting into fights unless it was to defend myself. If I broke any of those rules I was out. Part of the deal was learning discipline. I spent a lot of hours training and a lot of hours cleaning and maintaining the place. It really made a difference in my life. Then he left for Korea again to be a coach for the Korean martial arts team at the Olympics. He didn’t return for many years and when he did, he went to a city too far away for me to drive and I didn’t want to relocate there. I slowly slipped back into drinking, and it eventually became out of control. So, I was slipping back into some bad former ways.
The recklessness and anger landed me in jail. It was then that I learned just how corrupt the so-called justice system is. I know I was out of control and I take responsibility for that. But the level of corruption I encountered was astonishing. I ended up spending three years in. I don’t know what it is about the number 3. Anyway, anyone that knew me only thought I was angry before that because the anger and rage I had after those three years mixed up with the just system was nothing compared to before. Now I was full-on rage. Anger, hate, and rage consumed me. I hated cops, judges, guards, P.O.s, anyone that was in any way involved with or even associated with the justice system. I hated them with a hatred so intense there are no words to describe it.
This is a long post, so I’ll make it a 2 part post. I’ll post part two soon.
Thanks for reading!